Being Too Scared to Create

I am a creator, since I was a kid I’ve been creating stories and imagining whole worlds. Some people have a natural ability whether it’s art, music, or science, other people, like myself must use trial and error to find out what they want. 

I think the times of having one life purpose have passed. We have less than a hundred years here on Earth, who says we can only do one thing with our life? We have such a prosperous society now compared to the times when your family had a role in the village and so when you got older you too would take on that role and that was your life’s purpose. I think we have the abundance now more than ever to do so much more than just one act in our lifetime it’s pointless to stress over what our “life’s purpose” is.

Simple as that is, it can be terrifying to finally choose something to do and then follow through and do it. The funny thing is there’s no pressure to choose the right thing because there is no right thing. It’s weird to think we hold ourselves back, but we’re often too scared to want or even to admit our true wishes ourselves. 

I can create things and I could make it a career but that will never happen if I’m too scared to even make anything. I must make so much crap that no one is going to like, and no one will even see and make so, so many mistakes in order to make the stuff people want, in order to make the stuff I want. 

I can’t expect to paint these masterpieces I have in my head without first practicing, using a million different colors, and studying how the paint moves, blends, and dries. I can’t expect to write a perfect novel without first reading a million books and writing a thousand stories, practicing, learning from my mistakes, and discovering new words that can perfectly describe my ideas. 

I hear all the stories of people who make it and I remember as a kid telling myself I would be one of them. I would stand in my backyard for hours practicing dance routines with my sisters or playing in imaginary fantasy worlds. 

I remember being excited to have a shitty job in a shitty apartment working my ass off towards my goals not really realizing what all that entailed. What happened to my excitement? I saw the real world and got scared. 

I forgot that all those people I watched and looked up to had to work their asses off even if they weren’t saying it, they had to work so hard for me to even see them on tv. 

Self-doubt creeped in and corrupted my childhood ambition convincing me that I couldn’t possibly have any idea what I even wanted to do. I learned to knock myself down and not believe in my own future because that was safer than trying and failing. 

When I get scared, I hide I don’t face it and often I try to pretend it’s not there. But now I cannot continue to be afraid of what I don’t understand, and I can’t continue to push off learning out of fear either. 

Everyone else feels just as lost and broken as I do and some even more. Fear can make you feel very alone but I’m starting to realize how ironic that is because we are all sitting in fear together telling each other how scared and alone we are. 

I may not want to be an actress like I thought but I am a creator and I want to create. I need to stop being scared to create the life I want and need to make myself happy and fulfilled. 

I read somewhere that instead of making your fear big and scary make it cute and funny, most of the fear comes from our own perceptions rather than the monster itself. I must learn to do that with my fears, see my fear of fucking up as the overprotective friend who just doesn’t want me to get made fun of.