Not Creating Out Of Fear…

Sometimes I just feel like I have a gazillion things on my To-Do list, and I can never get them done. I have so many ideas in my head of creative things I want to write or paint or record, and they all rush through my head at top speeds. Whizzing by, before I can even fully digest the thought, another brilliant plan comes soaring in and stealing the show until another genius idea grabs my attention.

Everyone says just do one thing at a time and it will work itself out. All of the productivity masters preach about ”niching down” honing in on just one skill or activity at a time. That all sounds like fantastic advice but my question is, how on earth should I choose any one thing?

I am realizing more and more that I can’t really do one thing at a time, even when I am learning in my college classes. In the fall semester I did in person classes and really had a hard time sitting for almost two hours in lectures. Now that almost all of my schooling has switched to online, I am fully aware of how I multi-task to do everything.

It makes some sense considering I end up multitasking while watching things on my phone or, like cleaning or cooking or resting. I am always thinking at least six steps ahead of where I actually am, just constantly thinking of what I can do next to be better (sometimes to a fault). I find that whole “being present” thing very hard sometimes, and then other times the reality of now hits me like a ton of bricks and I realize all the other ideas I forgot about.

On top of creating this blog and deciding to make internet content, I am a fulltime college student and I am looking head on at a fifteen credit fall semester that is now going to be fully online (except for one class). I have a lot going on in my life and I’m always trying to find time to socialize with my family and friends, bond with my partner, and even time to take care of myself.

I feel like I’ve let myself down or others because at this point, I don’t know how to balance all the greatness in my life, but I am grateful for it. I have more than I could ever ask for and the people I love and care about have shown me nothing but support in my creative journey.

I have some amazing things I want to do in this world and so much art and creativity that I want to share as well, and I don’t want to give up on any of it. People always say choose one thing and go after that, but I want to be so much more than just one thing. I want to be a mother and a businesswoman, who can teach if she wants to while creating art on the side.

I want to be an author and an artist, because I don’t think just one of those characteristics portrays me the way I want to be portrayed. I am all of the things I am, and I refuse to be diminished to one single trait, there is so much more to my story than just an artist or just a writer.

These dreams I have are not too far off from reality except, I know I have a bad habit of getting my thoughts stuck in my head, not giving them the chance to ever come to fruition. I need to choose instead of mulling the idea over in my head for days, then weeks, then months, and now even years, to act when I have the feeling to create.

I think so much about how young I am and how much life I still haven’t seen yet, and that silences a lot of my stories. I like to be well informed before telling the world something, probably because I’ve seen clear instances when I had incorrectly spoken, and I don’t want to be that person. I like to know I am educated on what I am talking about, but I also have to recognize that I am often talking about my own feelings.

If a story I want to tell is about my feelings, my experience’s, or my thoughts, then I am already the expert I crave to be (at least on the subject of myself). I too often fear that whatever I am saying or putting out into the internet world isn’t worth putting out there and that is just simply not true. No one in the world has heard my exact story, maybe very similar, but I haven’t heard a story exactly like mine!

Instead of worrying about how the world may perceive me or that my voice doesn’t need to be heard in such a chaotic world, I choose to do what feels good, make what feels good, and follow those feelings in creating my life.

Feelings are so fleeting; I could be crying for joy one minute and the next weeping from sorrow. So, with that in mind I should take advantage of the feelings that propel me to make things instead of squandering that voice with fear.

Writing is Hard

04 – 28 – 2020

Writing is hard. It’s hard to think of something worth writing, especially when you feel like you don’t have much to say. Writing is scary because it reveals woes and worries, I hadn’t previously seen. Although I am scared and of writing, I love when a sentence flows with ease, so the idea just rolls off the tongue. I love that moment when a phrase speaks to you so much you have to stop and ponder the idea into existence.

I have taken two English classes this school year and I have to say I love my English classes for the simple fact that almost every teacher I have has shown me a deeper meaning to the words we read and write. Words don’t come easy though, hesitation consumes me anytime I try to even start writing. I think I put too much emphasis on writing something that means something, I want every line I write to be the jaw dropping idea that changes their life. Though that simply isn’t realistic. Maybe the less meaningful sentences all together add to the magnificence of my true meaning.

Before I can even concern myself with writing profound statements I have to learn to just write. To write clearly, without wandering from point to point until I find my point. Another thing I’ve learned in my English classes this year is the importance of editing. The whole process of writing is just that, a process. It is necessary to write meaningless withering words, because that’s how I work through my thoughts. When I see the words in front of my eyes, I can finally see what I need to say and what I need to change.

I have realized change has become something I loathe, alas it is the only thing certain in my life. Change comes with every aspect of life, love, home, family, age, health, wealth, and even writing. That scares the crap out of me and sometimes it seems to paralyze me. When I stop paying attention to the written words and instead become consumed by my fear, shame, embarrassment, and anxiety nothing can get me to leave the couch or the bed (whichever is comfiest in the moment).

Serra Isabella

This past weekend after missing some to dos with my blog, and only getting some of my schoolwork done I felt defeated. My planner was left with a lot of tasks not marked off, and I felt like I had failed at my dream of becoming a writer. I was exhausted and overwhelmed first by all the things on my to do list and second by my ever-increasing want to achieve the goals I set.

But even though I felt my overwhelming emotions begin to wash over all the hard work I have accomplished I decided to just relax. To distract myself I dyed my hair purple and gave myself a much-needed haircut, I was trying to go for burgundy and a slight trim, but you know when you start it’s hard to stop. It doesn’t matter though because I feel better, I bought makeup and did mine for the first time in I don’t know how long. I decided it was okay that I hadn’t gotten everything done, it was okay that I haven’t written my book yet, and It’s okay to rest before finishing my to do list.

Serra Isabella

From this weekend I found out that it’s okay to relax and be lazy sometimes, frankly it’s even necessary in order to prevent burnout. If I had pushed myself over the weekend instead of resting I don’t think I would have had the willpower to keep trying today. So yes, writing is hard, and sometimes getting out of bed is hard, so on those days I decide to take the hint from my body and rest. I compliment myself on my achievements and prepare for the future by caring for myself in the moment, however that looks. Most importantly I cannot continue to look down on myself when things get difficult, life is hard and I don’t want to just complain about that anymore. I want to take life’s challenges and make the best of it, and truthfully I am not going to let that excuse rule my life.

Copyright © 2020 Serra Isabella. All rights reserved.

4 – 21 -2019

So over the past two years I really feel like I’ve been in a slump, compared to others I’m sure I was excelling because that’s always how I’ve been. I was just so down and hard on myself but now I see how great my life is, every single day I think how grateful I am to live in this gorgeous apartment with this man I am so in love with. I haven’t ever gone hungry or cold. We’ve never missed a bill. I have an amazing life and it only makes me think how much better it’s gonna get, I’m working hard every day to make money and save for my future and now I’m applied to college and registered for classes.

It feels like life moves so fast, I remember sitting in my childhood bedroom dreaming of this exact moment in my life and sometimes I feel frozen. You know, that gut – wrenching feeling in your stomach as the world begins to spin and things don’t make sense anymore. It makes me feel like literally I can’t breath, my heart beats so hard i can feel it all through my veins. It makes me want to crawl into a ball and just disappear and when I can’t do that it makes me want to hit, punch, scream, anything to distract from this feeling. They tell me it’s called General Anxiety Disorder, mainly because it’s almost constant and flares up out of nowhere.

So I guess where this is: me preparing to learn more and more but most importantly better myself every day, physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I used to be an all honors student, my lowest grade was a C and I was devastated to get it. Then I finished high school through online school, and as weird as it is I’ve been beating myself up for it for years. I just get into my head that because I didn’t do high school like “normal” people I’m somehow less qualified or intelligent, which I’ve been told by many is not true. Now I’ve been out of school for a while and I’m trying to get back into the swing of things, that’s a big part of me starting this blog. Making a commitment to myself to write something every week is going to prepare me for writing all those college essay’s in my future, plus I think it will be good for my soul and even confidence.

I’ve thought about starting a blog for some time because I’ve always loved writing, I cant tell you how many novel ideas I have flying around my head. So this is my commitment not only to write more consistently but also to improve my writing. Something I’m learning is you can’t talk about it you gotta be about it; you can sit on the couch and tell everyone what you’re going to do but until you get up and do it they won’t care. Life isn’t only our actions and decisions but also our inaction’s or what we choose not to do. Just like everybody else I have fears of being judged or misunderstood and to be honest lately I haven’t really wanted myself on the internet at all because of that. I feel like social media has really taken over society, it scares me how much people care about likes and comments and so on and so forth because it’s just not real life(not to mention it literally never disappears). I think I had to be reminded that even though the internet can do a lot of harm it can also help and be a great resource. Again it’s all in the actions we choose to make, we can be awful or we can spread love.

Overall the only way to really prepare for the future is to be the best you in this moment, for the only time you can change things is now. Think about that, the only way to help yourself in the future is to do stuff in this moment to make your life easier when hard times come. Like I can decide to eat a fruit salad rather than having the whole bag of hot fries for a snack or even do my chores sooner rather than later. It can be hard because I usually just want to do what feels good to me in the moment, like sit on my phone and watch you tube rather than to paint or read instead but in the end the latter always makes me feel better. What may feel good to me right now will make my future self feel even worse. I think that’s part of growing up, choosing what may not feel good but ultimately it will do good for you.

Copyright © 2020 Serra Isabella. All rights reserved.