Not Creating Out Of Fear…

Sometimes I just feel like I have a gazillion things on my To-Do list, and I can never get them done. I have so many ideas in my head of creative things I want to write or paint or record, and they all rush through my head at top speeds. Whizzing by, before I can even fully digest the thought, another brilliant plan comes soaring in and stealing the show until another genius idea grabs my attention.

Everyone says just do one thing at a time and it will work itself out. All of the productivity masters preach about ”niching down” honing in on just one skill or activity at a time. That all sounds like fantastic advice but my question is, how on earth should I choose any one thing?

I am realizing more and more that I can’t really do one thing at a time, even when I am learning in my college classes. In the fall semester I did in person classes and really had a hard time sitting for almost two hours in lectures. Now that almost all of my schooling has switched to online, I am fully aware of how I multi-task to do everything.

It makes some sense considering I end up multitasking while watching things on my phone or, like cleaning or cooking or resting. I am always thinking at least six steps ahead of where I actually am, just constantly thinking of what I can do next to be better (sometimes to a fault). I find that whole “being present” thing very hard sometimes, and then other times the reality of now hits me like a ton of bricks and I realize all the other ideas I forgot about.

On top of creating this blog and deciding to make internet content, I am a fulltime college student and I am looking head on at a fifteen credit fall semester that is now going to be fully online (except for one class). I have a lot going on in my life and I’m always trying to find time to socialize with my family and friends, bond with my partner, and even time to take care of myself.

I feel like I’ve let myself down or others because at this point, I don’t know how to balance all the greatness in my life, but I am grateful for it. I have more than I could ever ask for and the people I love and care about have shown me nothing but support in my creative journey.

I have some amazing things I want to do in this world and so much art and creativity that I want to share as well, and I don’t want to give up on any of it. People always say choose one thing and go after that, but I want to be so much more than just one thing. I want to be a mother and a businesswoman, who can teach if she wants to while creating art on the side.

I want to be an author and an artist, because I don’t think just one of those characteristics portrays me the way I want to be portrayed. I am all of the things I am, and I refuse to be diminished to one single trait, there is so much more to my story than just an artist or just a writer.

These dreams I have are not too far off from reality except, I know I have a bad habit of getting my thoughts stuck in my head, not giving them the chance to ever come to fruition. I need to choose instead of mulling the idea over in my head for days, then weeks, then months, and now even years, to act when I have the feeling to create.

I think so much about how young I am and how much life I still haven’t seen yet, and that silences a lot of my stories. I like to be well informed before telling the world something, probably because I’ve seen clear instances when I had incorrectly spoken, and I don’t want to be that person. I like to know I am educated on what I am talking about, but I also have to recognize that I am often talking about my own feelings.

If a story I want to tell is about my feelings, my experience’s, or my thoughts, then I am already the expert I crave to be (at least on the subject of myself). I too often fear that whatever I am saying or putting out into the internet world isn’t worth putting out there and that is just simply not true. No one in the world has heard my exact story, maybe very similar, but I haven’t heard a story exactly like mine!

Instead of worrying about how the world may perceive me or that my voice doesn’t need to be heard in such a chaotic world, I choose to do what feels good, make what feels good, and follow those feelings in creating my life.

Feelings are so fleeting; I could be crying for joy one minute and the next weeping from sorrow. So, with that in mind I should take advantage of the feelings that propel me to make things instead of squandering that voice with fear.