A New Decade

So in the truest fashion of my blog I am uploading my birthday content a month after the event, which makes sense because this was a surreal and unexpected scenario to be in when turning twenty. With that in mind please bear with my scattered thoughts from a month ago, but her it is:

To anyone who didn’t know I am a 2000’s baby, which means as we all have entered a new decade of 2020, I have entered the second decade of my life. I am no longer a teenager woohoo! Or at least that is what I thought I would feel like but instead, I am feeling the weight of the world as I realize I am now no longer really considered a kid. I mean I am of course still very young and at the beginner of my journey, I realize that, but I am no longer in the excusable teenage years.

I think entering a new decade of my life has gotten me thinking about the past ten years of my life, which comes with a lot of reflection at who I was as a kid and who I am now. With that I have also been contemplating the next ten years of my life, who am I going to be in another decade?

Graduating and having a career is on my horizon and with that, I also want to create a family. Buying a house is on the horizon if my partner and I play our cards right. Financial freedom is in my future if I just keep killing it at what I am doing now and continue believing in that dream. I may be a broke college student now but if I continue creating the dreams, I always wished for I can have whatever I want in a matter of years. There’s not even a number on it I just know that if I continue creating art with the passion I have and keep writing my experiences and stories, I will become the middle-aged woman I want to be, not the middle-aged woman I fear becoming.

The woman who gave up on her dreams because they were too big or too frightening. I don’t want to become the mom who hates her life because she gave up her dreams for kids, but I also don’t want to be the mother who is so concerned with her career that the babies feel unloved. I want to set up a lifestyle where I can be making money without actively being in the office every day before I have children so that I am allowed the financial freedom to enjoy taking care of my family for a while when it does happen. Because I am so excited for those days, I am turning twenty and simply thinking of the time I get to be a mom.

That life seems so far off from the one I have now where I get anxiety at having to make dinner most nights, but I am going to therapy, I am working on myself daily to create the future I know I want to have. That is the life I want and dream for bur I know I am young; I don’t expect perfection now. I know I am too young to expect my dreams to come true but how do I continue propelling myself in that direction?

I am taking my late teens and early twenties years to learn about how to create a passive income, how to be a good parent in the future, how to be a better partner now, how to teach people things, psychology, history, English, I am even relearning math. I am learning about my country’s government, I am learning about the economy, about foreign countries economies and governments, about world history.

I am about to start my second year of college and that has got to be exciting! I survived freshman year, I did better than just survive and now I shouldn’t let myself get down because the world seems unsure while I’m in college. To be honest, my education experience has never been normal, or easy, or even typical. So why would I expect my college education to be so? Thinking about it like that makes me chuckle to myself, to think that this would be my first year of college. Ha! A pandemic, of course.

Nothing about my life has ever gone the way I expect it to, I never thought I would turn twenty during a global pandemic, and I never thought I would be living in my home town after I turned eighteen. Nothing went exactly how I would expect it to, but none the less, I graduated high school and now I am working towards a career and living with my love in our own apartment. Just because this is not the way I would have imagined my life at twenty doesn’t mean it is a negative outcome.

They say the best time to learn is when you are younger, that’s why children can learn new languages more easily than adults and why older generations seem to be stubborn. It’s hard to learn how the world works when you’ve spent your whole life not being taught. That is why I care so much about learning now! I have an infinite amount of information at my fingertips with google, and not to mention the benefits I get as a college student. Now is my time to learn. I have to take advantage of it while it’s right in front of me.

I didn’t expect this birthday to be as introspective and reflective as it was but now, I see I probably needed it. This is not the birthday I expected but life isn’t what I expected and that is okay. It’s okay to not know what the hell is going on because you just turned twenty years old and you’re signed up for five college classes during a global pandemic. I am so lucky to have made it to twenty years old, and that has got to remind me that it is all okay.

Learning to Rest

05 – 12 – 2020

This past week has taught me a lot through finishing my spring semester of college to unmet goals to tragic losses. In the previous weeks I have been plowing full steam ahead towards my goals but last week my body was just telling me to slow down. I thought in the two-week break from the spring to the summer semester I was going to get so much work on here done, working none stop. I still will get a lot done but I also allowed myself space to not worry when I wasn’t able to do everything that I planned done earlier than now.

When your friends and family need you, it is especially important to take time for yourself and the ones you love. I could not have been supportive to my friend or the one love if I was also fixated on completing work anytime, I had the chance alone. I would be exhausted. When I am exhausted, whether it be from physical, social or mental work, I get cranky and sometimes mean. I don’t like being mean and cranky, so I have to be careful of how I spend my energy and learn to pivot my energy to the most important task in the moment.

I didn’t fixate on all the work I was mossing out on or the time I was divvying out in support and I’m still exhausted. My significant other took off work and the both of us didn’t spend much time at home while we cared for loved ones and celebrated Mother’s Day. I like to categorize myself as an introvert so just being around people as much as I have been the last week was hard for me. This week tested me to go with the flow of the universe especially when the unexpected happens. To rest when it is necessary and to work your ass off in the times that passion fills the air inexplicably.

I used to get upset at myself or others when change would happen, or when what I had hoped would be the plan for the day doesn’t pan out. I guess I just didn’t know as a kid that change is inevitable so whenever change did occur, I did everything in my power to stop it. I have always been somewhat of a planner too, so when I expected my day to go a certain way but then circumstances made my previous plans impossible, I would panic because I didn’t know how to cope. I still panic if things don’t go along with my expectations so I can tell you it is all a learning process.

Maybe it’s that I’m in college or maybe it’s that I’m growing into adult hood far from the protection of my mother, but it is like my eyes are finally open enough to see a bigger picture. Change is constant and sad and beautiful and sometimes happy, but it is the only thing you know for sure will happen. Nothing stays the same. So instead of asking myself why is this happening? I am trying to change my perspective to one of understanding that the unexpected must and will happen no matter how much we may fight it.

I tell myself of course this happened because for some god-awful reason this is what changes us into who we will become. In order to continue surviving the winds of change I must believe that whatever is happening will make me a better version of myself in the future. I may preach what I want but I still wonder sometimes what the point of losing my thirty-nine-year-old dad at the age of sixteen was. I am not perfect; I struggle everyday with the loss of my dad and I overthink every situation to oblivion, but I do know that everything I am going through is what will eventually make me the wonderful woman I aspire to be.

So, when the universe throws me a curve ball and I have to switch up my plans (which I hate to do) I will learn to adapt. Change plans and don’t feel bad about it, forget about responsibilities to save your mental health, and stop pondering what if’s. This is where we’re at, the card we’ve been dealt, and the only way to make it better is to use what the universe has given you. Stop trying to fight to natural pattern of life and instead trust in it because I truly believe the universe gives you exactly what you need when you need it.

By Serra Isabella

Copyright © 2020 Serra Isabella. All rights reserved.