Why hello, it’s been a while since I’ve written but I recently discovered something really important that I feel I just have to share: passion, motivation, and drive. I feel like I have to take you back a couple years to really explain what I mean though.
When I was a teenager, I told myself I am never going to work at a 9 – 5 type of job, I didn’t want to become a slave, so to speak, to a company. I think I was about 14 when I started my first YouTube channel, SillySerra, and yes it is very cringy but after I abandoned it for years my sisters told me they looked it up and one of my videos had almost 600 views (when I left it I don’t remember having even 100). When I started high school, I thought I wanted to be an actor, move to New York and perform on Broadway. Hearing a couple people tell me “No” and dealing with a few scams along with the stress of high school and friendships or relationships broke my spirits.
After a few years, I realized I the last picture I had taken of myself was years outdated and I didn’t like to look at myself in the mirror anymore. What had happened in the last two years of high school? A lot happened, my best (and basically only) friend moved 45 – minutes away and when you can’t legally drive yet it seems like the end of the world. I was forcing myself into a relationship that wasn’t right for me while lying to myself about it. And probably the biggest trauma of them all was when my dad passed away halfway through Junior years, literally the week of finals and a couple weeks from Christmas. I decided to do homeschooling the rest of the year because my mom already homeschooled my siblings, but I didn’t really learn anything that spring. I hung out with girls who seemed to like me, and I could tolerate but really, I was just bitter about my friend who moved. Then right when summer hit, a week after our first anniversary my boyfriend broke up with me, and although I drug it out and made it harder than it needed to be it was the best decision for both of us.
Then I went wild, I had always been the goodie two shoes and would never expect myself to go to a high school party, but I did, and I hung out with people I could never imagine. After making my fair share of bad teenage mistakes I connected with someone I had kind of always known, he worked with me at a grocery store. The first night we hung out, I didn’t go home and that’s basically how the rest of the last three years has been. We were couch serving at my moms the next summer, something neither of us imagined, but it pushed us to get an apartment together. That was the first big adult decision we both made, we signed the lease the day after my eighteenth birthday.
Now I have everything in life I could ever need or want, but I got sucked into another soul-sucking job, the managers wanted me to train and be a leader (they got paid a lot more) and at first, it sounded great! That was also the same time I started college and stopped taking anxiety medication, meaning that all didn’t work out. I cried at 3 in the morning before having to go to work and almost quit but decided to just step down, I should have just quit. For the next six or so months I convinced myself that working five days a week for a little over 200 dollars a day and trying to get school done as well was enough for me. 2020 rolls around and we all know how 2020 has been treating everybody, I started full time at college and was only doing 5am shifts and I guess life just started getting to me. I abandoned my job (again), and I allowed my anxiety to completely change my life (again). Some would say I had an emotional breakdown, I say my body took over for what my mind didn’t feel strong enough to do.
I asked myself, is this what the rest of my life is going to be? Working for minimum wage, devoting hours and hours of my life to someone else’s business. You have to understand I probably get this from my dad, he always said he wanted to be his own boss and eventually he did become his own boss of a carpet cleaning company (Absolute Best Cleaners), he even had employees. I can’t imagine trying to own a business while providing for five children and a spouse, and all of a sudden, a lot more of my childhood made sense. I don’t know what happened this year, but things have just started to click, I am finally starting to understand myself and what I want. The whole theory behind me wanting to become an actress when I was in high school was that I like to tell stories, I like understanding who the people are in stories and my imagination is so strong I make up stories in my head all the time (not always good ones, maybe crazy ones, but hey girls got imagination).
I decided this is my life and I don’t have to work till I hate my life, granted I had just gotten my taxes and financial aid money for school, so I was feeling pretty invincible with more money in my account than ever. I decided school is more important than some crappy job and worst case I can go get a different crappy job, then an international pandemic occurred, and I was forced to sit in my house and reflect on basically my entire life. How could I literally have quit my grocery store job right before I could have gotten a $2 raise and so much overtime!
I had to stop myself, isn’t that the problem? I didn’t want to just work mindlessly for a raise, I wanted purpose. In my English class this semester I had to do a big research paper and I decided to question does suffering make us strong? And Boy did I get the answer of a lifetime, in trying to answer that hard question I read, listened to, and watched so much content on everything from growth mindset to intrinsic and extrinsic benefits and even how these theories apply to business. I delved into the psychology of why I always run away from things and do what I feel is bad choices, and through all of this, I discovered my passion, motivation, and drive.
For the first time in a long time, I feel a fire burning inside my soul and it feels like it has caught a gust of wind and doubled in size. Within the last month or so I have learned to let go at least a little bit to let the fire burn bright enough to light my way. In the past, when I have tried to put out this fire incessantly with fear it did nothing but stifle my creativity, my voice, and my confidence. I reconnected with my best friend and felt the love we have for each other and I have sparked my childhood interests like entrepreneurship and even YouTube funny enough. But most importantly I am learning to let go of the fear that held me in place for so long.
I am not going to enter my second decade of life too scared to do all the things I dream of, because the simple fact is if I can’t even believe in myself no one will. I want to own my own business, make my own money and not just make money for someone else’s company, and I want to be passionate about what I do. So, I am trying, I am believing that the universe will give me exactly what I need and when I need it, and I am finally doing what I truly love: creating.
Copyright © 2020 Serra Isabella. All rights reserved.