How I Feel About Harry Potter, and the J.K. Rowling Scandal.

I am a huge Harry Potter fan, I grew up on those books, and they really contributed to the morals I have today. Such as standing up for what’s right even when it is incredibly hard, not judging people based on a characteristic they are born with (full blood or mud blood), and recognizing the magic in everyday life. You have to understand, I was homeschooled until 6th grade so when Harry Potter found out he was a wizard I was an eager young girl right there beside him. When Hermione taught Ron and Harry how to make the Polyjuice potion, I was there jumping with fright when moaning myrtle appeared. Harry Potter is my childhood, and it is helped make me who I am today.

I know I am late to this topic but considering how much the Harry Potter books mean to my life I felt I had to say something. J.K. Rowling posted a series of tweets regarding the transgender community as a burden to straights woman’s ability to tell their stories. This is so clearly wrong, feel if anything the more rights and equality the transgender community has, the more rights and equality all women have. You can go do your own research and find all of the screenshots (seriously it’s all over the internet) but I just don’t want to contribute another copy of such speech. I really don’t even understand her argument here, what was going through her head?

I also heard from multiple sources that this isn’t the first time she has posted transphobic comments, what the hell? I mean, I fully recognize that my experience as a small white female is vastly different than that of a person of color or an lgtbq+ appearing person, or any other minority. I just don’t understand how some people do not recognize that the perspective they hold of the world is not the same for everyone else. How can they not understand that just because they don’t understand a certain perspective doesn’t mean it is invalid in any way. You cannot dismiss someone’s experience and perception of the world simply because you do not understand or have never experienced it. That is called ignorance.

So, this whole moral debacle has raised a lot of questions in the nerd community of what this means for the future of the Harry Potter series. Some people have covered her name on their books with art and funny things, which create some funny videos. I stand in the boat of, don’t let hateful comments by an author destroy the foundation of a lot of people’s joy and expression. Instead of quoting the author of my favorite characters, I shall quote my favorite characters because they are the ones I remember in times of awe and distress, not J. K Rowling. When I think of Harry Potter I don’t think of a middle-aged white woman with blonde hair, I think of the messy-haired boy with round glasses, I imagine the freckle nosed girl with big curly hair, and I imagine a red-headed boy backed by a squad of redheads.

I saw some video of a girl sporting pride gear and mentioning the recent comments from J.K. Rowling and how she was “raised on Harry Potter” and the ending was her screaming at the camera “these are my characters” as she clutched her pride gear. And that really resonated with me because as much as you can say she wrote them; those characters mean so much to so many different people across the globe.

That’s why it is so heartbreaking and almost unbelievable to see this woman who created the insanely inclusive feeling Harry Potter series by this woman who has such vile beliefs. It makes me think about all the content we consume on the daily and how much truth the authors put into it. I try to be as truthful as possible in my writings, maybe sometimes I don’t want to reveal my deepest darkest secrets or names of other people, etc. but I don’t ever want to lie through my writing. Was she lying? Or just not revealing all of herself? Or is an art in fact separate from its creator?

I’m not sure but what I do know is that Hogwarts and the world filled with wands and broomsticks is something I consider my home. It may sound silly to care so much about something deemed as a children’s book, but for someone who was homeschooled through elementary school, that world was my life. It is an entire universe that has so much meaning and emotion to a lot of people on this earth and it does not just disappear once we realize the woman who showed us this world may not be the angel, we all thought. Hogwarts is still there in our hearts and all those memories do not disappear, so why should we let her stupid words diminish our love for Harry Potter?

Fighting as a Woman

You know what I am learning more and more as I grow older? Women are so incredibly strong. I mean, first of all, we make humans, inside us. Second of all, we have some pretty strong emotions and that leads to strong opposition in the face of what is wrong. For the most part, women stay quiet, and we take care of things behind the scenes (or at least that is sort of how we are expected to handle life) but every once in a while, we can’t stay quiet anymore. Once we have endured so many hours or days or years or lifetimes of injustice and heartache something snaps, and we can’t hold back the emotions anymore.

So in case you have forgotten, black lives matter, this is a movement, not a moment, and here is a few women to show you why: I watched LA 92 on Netflix last night and first off, I am so disheartened to watch black men beaten by cops in the 1990s but I made myself watch. I made myself watch because I have never really heard about the Rodney King Riots and that is pathetic. I made myself watch brave black women scream at police officers and other white people because I saw the power in their eyes.

In one part of the documentary, they show a white woman at the protests in 1992 screaming in support of the cops and screaming at a black woman, instantly I could see and feel the tension. It was like watching two lionesses fighting head-on with big bearded lions watching from afar. It made me realize how strong and powerful women become in the face of need. I watched tall, beautiful, and strong black women look down on this screaming white woman and scream even louder into her face. I saw a beautiful, powerful woman just facing off in the battle of a lifetime while holding her child’s hands and placing a barrier in-between herself, her loved ones and the enemy.

While their fathers, brothers, husbands, and sons were being pulled away and beaten by police officers in 1992, these strong women stood their ground and did not leave. I was in awe because it wasn’t just black women out there screaming for justice, there were intense white m=women in that documentary as well. On both sides, you could see these “fragile” women looking more powerful than the police officers decked out in riot gear and a uniform. In the George Floyd protests, I have seen a few photos circle around the internet of a black girl probably in her early twenties walk to the front line of police brandishing a rose, the next photo shows her setting the rose on the ground in front of an officer, and the last photo is the girl being arrested. I guess I am just now realizing the strength that comes with being a woman.

I have always discredited my emotions because they felt too strong or I thought I needed to have calmer emotions for people to listen to me, but I am also realizing our emotions don’t come from us, they come from what we are experiencing. Now I don’t want to say that I saw any of this coming but when Trump was elected, I cried and kind of lost hope in our entire government system. I cried seeing the map turn red and I remember being sixteen and just knowing that when I voted in 2020 it was going to be so hard to get him out of office. Since then, I have seen countless examples of government corruption from so many different levels of government, and it has made me untrusting of the government.

For the past four years, I have dealt with becoming an adult and an array of other emotional ups and downs, so politics seemed so far out of my reach. Especially when I mostly see people just fighting each other instead of the actual problem. What’s the actual problem you may be asking yourself: Our whole system is set up to keep the poor people poor, and the rich people rich, but the messed-up part is that above the rich people are the super-rich people, and those are the people that run our government.

With this realization that my vote doesn’t really make a difference and no matter who gets elected the same agenda is still followed (to keep the poor poorer and the rich richer). I felt there was no point for me to try because no one thought similarly to me and what could a little girl like me do about such a big issue. I still feel as if my voice really won’t be heard and that I don’t have enough money, or power to make any sort of change.

Then I watched the Epstein docuseries that Netflix released and that one solidified my theory that the whole country (if not the whole world) is run by a few very rich white men who treat everyone else like piggy banks they can break open anytime they want. Donald Trump has been sued for assaulting minors’ countless times, and countless times he has threatened and paid his victims to silence their voices. He does everything he can to silence anyone who opposes him. Go look it up, it is not hard to find the cases on our government official websites. So that is why I have felt so powerless to the overwhelming control of rich white men in our country that contributing to any sort of political conversation has seemed so pointless to me.

There is so much to think about and it got me thinking that I should register to vote just in case I find a good candidate or simply to vote for someone new in office. I may not be able to solve the world’s racism, but I can at least vote right? Upon looking my name up, I realized I am registered they just have me down as an inactive voter even though all the information (like my address and number) is correct.

I researched what inactive meant and basically since I haven’t voted (this is the first year I can vote in the primary election) they consider me inactive and therefore don’t send me any voter information. That’s okay though because it just means I don’t get my mailbox filled with ballots and campaign garbage. But it did get me thinking about all the subtle ways the government ensures that people are not informed about their government so that these powerful white men can continue to make laws that benefit them, financially and security-wise. I don’t want to continue being blind to the actions of my government that could be affecting me.

This sent me into a whirlwind because why should I even vote if my only two choices are super-rich white guy number one or super-rich white guy number two? So, I started doing more research and looked up all the presidential candidates for 2020 and at first only Joe Biden showed up but then I saw a libertarian candidate named Jo Jorgenson. To my surprise, the third major candidate in the 2020 election is a woman and she has some great things to say. I know last time it was a big thing of people not wanting to vote for Hillary just because she is a woman and I agree with that sentiment but look at what Jo Jorgenson has to say.

She is speaking out against the insane government handouts to companies that don’t need it, she wants to remove barriers that prevent environmentally friendly energy sources being created, she does not have an extensive career in politics so she just may be one of the people who aren’t part of the government corruption. I am not going to tell you who to vote for but go watch her interviews listen, go look at her twitter, go check out her history. This woman is a doctor, M.D., do you know how much schooling that is? Wouldn’t it be nice to have a well-educated president, who just happens to be a woman!

With that in mind, this is my message to women today: No matter if you think your voice is too small or that your emotions don’t make sense or that you don’t believe in your strength, fight. Fight in silence because sometimes that draws more attention than the screaming. Fight with your big emotions, with tears in your eyes and rage in your heart because this is something to be upset about. Fight because you are strong, even if you feel weak, you are still here so you are stronger than you think. With all this strength, I think we just need to take this hormone filled rage and go fight injustice ladies. I mean we make up at least half of the world since we’re the bodies that make people in this world. If we all combined our lady power, we could make a serious change, especially in the insane injustices happening right now. Go research, watch documentaries, read articles (from many different news sources), and never stop fighting.

Copyright © 2020 Serra Isabella. All rights reserved.


A little disclaimer: this one is for the girls. Unless you want to hear about the women’s struggle of having to meet up with mother nature once a month stop reading here and go check out my less urm intimate writing, or go look at my pretty paintings… Anyway, you have been warned, now to the good stuff.

Alright, did I scare away the “dudes” now? Good, because this is going to be a pretty disjointed blog post so sorry in advance! I don’t know why but when I am more scatterbrained and frantic, I like to write these short and quick paragraphs but other times I can make a paragraph last like three whole pages. Anyway, if you’re interested in how I plan to channel my hormone-filled existence towards peace and tranquility keep on reading.
There are some things I just really dislike about being a woman such as: not wanting to wear shorts in 90-degree weather because I don’t like the way men stare, the expectations that we have to take care of all aspects of “the home”, and probably my biggest rival, periods.

Today I want to focus on the last one, periods. Periods suck. Irregular periods suck even more. I never know when the demons from hell are going to ruin my week with a bloody trail of pain and mood swings. I think my period ended two weeks ago and now mother nature decided to just show up UNANNOUNCED. So rude.

I feel bad for my period tracking app because she has no clue what to expect from my indecisive vagina and I’m just sitting here like: I don’t know either.
Am I the only one? Does anyone else experience completely confusing periods?
I do feel lucky in the fact that I only really cramp or feel pain on the first days of my period or when I am PMSing. Which reminds me I think the PMS might almost be worse, that’s when I feel most of the pain.

And don’t get me started on my mood swings before and during a period. I should know by now that when I start crying out of nowhere over tiny minuscule issues that it is that time of the month, but I usually just call myself a crazy girl so that’s fun…

No, I’m over this, I am so over hating everything about myself just because once or twice a month my hormones get hit upside the head and I can’t tell if I’m mad or sad or ecstatic. Why should I allow this surge of insane hormones to make me question every decision I make or have made in the past or even the mistakes I could make in the future. I don’t want to subject myself to the inconsistent and rampant emotions of mother nature anymore.

Okay I get it I’m starting to sound too poetic, it’s just a period, get over it right? Wrong. It’s not just a period, it is my organ tearing itself apart and spewing the contents out of me. It is painful. It is exhausting. Why don’t people see and understand that?

At this point I think I am just rambling; I am not sure what to say other than I feel confused.
I hate having a period, and most women I’ve talked to agree, but the irony is we all need and want our period to come because the other option is having a real-life baby. Coincidently the only time we aren’t held down by period pain and inconsolable crying we have a little tiny human being growing inside of us so that’s great (don’t get me wrong I cannot wait till the day I get to be a mother but I can’t lie that sounds rigged).

So, I guess I will make peace with the reoccurring pain driven emotion because it is not as bad as it used to be. They used to make the women climb a mountain to be away from the village during their period because it was considered dirty. Can you imagine having to climb a mountain every month as your stomach is cramping like a knife is digging inside your intestines? I bet the only good part of that whole endeavor was getting a break from the overwhelming misogamy.

So, I am supposed to be happy because I have access to period products now and eventually it will stop sometime in our fifties but then supposedly, we’ll lose our sex drive!? I just don’t understand, is this some sick joke? Either way, I don’t like it, but it does make me think of how strong women are. Once a month we deal with pain (sometimes excruciating pain) and during the constant pain, we have to tend to blood ever leaking down our thighs. On top of completely unreasonable and inconsistent emotions, periods suck but I guess that is part of mother nature.

There are beautiful rainbows but only after a thunderstorm that destroys trees with a single lightning strike, and a caterpillar becomes a butterfly only after turning to sludge inside its cocoon. I guess that is a bit of a ying and yang theory, where there must be some bad inside the good and some good inside the bad to keep everything at balance.

Well if you made it to here thank you for reading this scattered and unorganized blog post. This week I think I just need to get some crazy thoughts off my chest, but I hope you enjoyed it anyway. I want to apologize for being an absentee blogger for the whole beginning of this month. I am doing a little rebranding and have some really exciting things to come but until then you can buy these images at my Redbubble shop below and don’t forget to follow my other socials!

I am a Perfectionist

Do you know what it feels like to constantly beat yourself down for not doing everything you do “perfectly”? I do. Every little action I take is followed by a barrage of insults to myself because that corner of the painting looks bad or I missed one problem on my homework assignments. I wish I was capable of simply enjoying something I have made or even enjoying a moment with friends but even that is haunted by my perfectionism. Every word I speak echoes loudly in my ears afterwards as I run through every other possible way, I could have said it and every possible tone of voice I could have used and how that would change my current situation.

I am an overthinker too so I’m sure that is a big contributor to why so many options cycle through my brain but that doesn’t discount the insistent and pestering voices of my own criticism. I really do expect too much from myself. I want to be able to “perfectly” write, record, paint, speak, and even think perfectly but that is so silly. I’m not sure why I crave aesthetic perfection, maybe it has to do with my INFP personality type or because my whole childhood I lived in disorder and could only dream of having a “perfectly” organized and decorated homes that my friends lived in. I’m sure there is some sort of childhood trauma that causes a perfectionist need in me but that’s a topic for another day.

Anyway, at first, I thought being a perfectionist wasn’t even that bad because it showed how much effort I put in and how much I care about what I do and make. Now I don’t think it’s such a good thing, I think over the years I have beaten myself down so much by repeatedly telling myself that I am not perfect and therefore not worthy of anything I strive for yet. I think this idea of perfection has instilled false beliefs in myself that I don’t deserve anything I want or have worked towards until I am “perfect”. This just causes me to bottle up wants and desires to the point when I do splurge on myself and then I criticize myself for not waiting until I deserved it.

I don’t like the fact that I splurge on unnecessary things or sometimes spend too much or that I procrastinate and don’t finish projects I set out to, but I think it all stems from me not feeling worthy because I am not “perfect” yet. Woah. Ding, Ding, I just had a realization.

I need to find ways to reward myself for small wins so that I don’t feel guilty when I reward myself out of proportion, and to do that I need to throw perfect away. Seriously, I need to basically wipe that word from my vocabulary because at this point it is just setting me up for failure. Perfect sucks. Perfect makes me feel bad about myself. Perfect isn’t even real or possible.

Instead I should focus on the effort I put in, I did a whole research paper on growth mindset and that is one of the biggest key points. The people who value their effort over the results, tend to perform better anyway. I just need to start taking my own advice. Instead of striving for perfection, I am going to strive for balance, for peace, for completion, for fun. I want to have more fun.

I am so strung up and tightly wound, my boyfriend and I have had multiple conversations about it. I always want to have fun or be spontaneous or adventurous but when the opportunity arises, I don’t feel like the scenario is “perfect” so I let that feeling override my desire to explore new experiences. I get scared when the scenario isn’t how I imagined or isn’t planned out perfectly how I would like and when my focus is on the imperfection, I have no chance at enjoying the moment.

I also need to let go of my expectations of a perfect scenario or even any expectations of a new scenario. If I have never experienced these new things that I want to experience why do I believe myself when I expect them to be a certain way. And then I get upset that I was wrong, and things are different?!

Ugh. I exhaust myself; I can’t imagine the people around me. As much as I notice and dislike my own behavior, I bet these perfectionist tendencies affect the people around me even more. It’s awful and it makes me hate myself even more because I know I am the one in control most often, but the problem is I don’t feel in control.

I only feel a loss of control though because I expect to know how everything will pan out, but that is just setting myself up for failure from the start. Yeah maybe I don’t know how to act in social situations so I come across as awkward or rude or maybe I have made more mistakes than I can count but how else do I expect to learn. I am not even 20 years old yet and I have placed this huge pressure on myself to know how to spend money exactly right or to know how to interact as an adult around other people, or how to do fantastically perfect art, or how to write an entire novel, or how to start an online business.

I don’t know, and that’s part of the process, frankly it’s part of the fun. As rationally as I can tell myself “you don’t have to be perfect” or “it’s progress not perfection”, my emotions still end up ruling my life and that only leads to doubt in myself and comparison to what I believe to be perfection. So yes, I am literally throwing away perfection. I don’t need it because it has done nothing but bring me despair and unnecessary guilt. Even that will be a process, I again can’t expect myself to be perfect and abolish the idea of perfection from my mind overnight but when I do notice my inner voice shaming myself for not reaching perfection yet, I am going to calmly tell it to leave me the hell alone.

If you liked any of the images from this blog post, you can buy them at my Redbubble shop! Just click the button below or click the link below the pictures above. Thank you for reading today and don’t forget to like and comment below, and if you want to see more of my content make sure to follow my blog and then click the links to my other socials! I wish you the best of luck on your own journey and hope you all feel some love!

Copyright © 2020 Serra Isabella. All rights reserved.

Starting Summer Classes On Zoom

This week I start my summer college classes which means I will be on zoom twice a week instead of in a classroom for 4 hours twice a week. My college has chosen to do the summer classes remotely and the fall semester is still undetermined. Similar to many universities and even public schools across the world, teachers, and students are being thrown into the chaos of online schooling. Most people aren’t sure if we’ll return to the physical classrooms again in 2020, I included. 

That’s an overwhelming thought and to some it seems impractical because learning online can be difficult and you definingly aren’t getting the full experience of learning in a classroom. I have seen a few videos of students getting failing grades on their spring online finals under suspicion of cheating (who knows if they did or not). But either way this new form of learning is causing a lot of people distress, teachers don’t want to compromise their cheating policies and students are just trying to survive the semester. So of course, online learning has its drawbacks, but I want to look on the brighter side and see the positivity in the fact that I don’t have to leave my house for education.

No Reason to Dress Up

Long gone are the days where I would feel the need to put jeans and a nice shirt on in order to be a functioning human. This whole summer I will be attending my morning Zoom meeting wrapped with a blanket around my legs and probably the shirt I slept in the night before (and a couple girls in my class actually did wrap themselves up in a blanket). What’s the point of wasting an entire outfit for a video call? 

All jokes aside I have basically abandoned my jeans for shorts and leggings (until the fateful moment when I need to do laundry and have nothing, but jeans left). As spring comes to an end and the summer heat begins to turn my third story apartment into a furnace, I have realized I cannot handle the feeling of jeans and sweat. Nope. So, I shall stay in my leggings and shorts and not worry about how I look because I can’t be bothered.

No Social Interaction

As daunting as it feels to speak in a zoom meeting while your entire class stares through their screens with the volume all the way up, it’s nothing compared to standing in front of a class who can now judge everything you say and how you look saying it. I always feel the most nervous just before I start speaking because at that point the class has nothing to judge me off of but my appearance. In the virtual classroom I can at least put myself on mute and even turn off my camera for whenever my boyfriend comes into the background because he forgot I had a class. 

Bottom line I am an introvert so the opportunity to learn alone in my home is a blessing in disguise. I am lucky in the regard that I can learn by simply listening to a lecture or watching a presentation. Whereas I understand other students cannot learn unless they have the opportunity for hands-on learning, so online learning just isn’t working for them. Not to mention I am not studying in a field that requires much hands-on training until a few years from now when I will be doing internships. But at this time in my education I don’t need to be in the classroom all semester long, especially when I know I’m not missing out on anything (cause FOMO is real).

Saving So Much on Gas

Since I can’t leave my house and now, I don’t have to go anywhere to learn I must say I think I’ve filled up my tank once. Not to mention gas prices where the lowest I’ve ever seen in my life (I know it’s not a very long one but still). I mean I paid a dollar fifty per gallon, filled up my tank, and I have not had to refill in so long. It really puts into perspective where all my money is going when I am forced to stay home and not go out spending money.

I am saving not just money but time as well, I don’t have to waste time traveling from my house to the school which by the end of the day can add up to hours taken away from creative time. Plus, without the reason to go somewhere I can’t justify going to any stores or fast food places which inevitably costs me a lot of money every time. Being forced to stay home has really helped me not spend so much money whether that’s on a necessity like gas or a commodity like Target and ice-cream.

All in all, I am excited for the next six weeks of remote learning for my college credits, while I continue to learn more about the business of blogging and graphic design and creating on the internet. I think remote learning gives me the time and space to develop my creative skills and passions, or at least it has given me the inspiration to do it. 

Copyright © 2020 Serra Isabella. All rights reserved.


05 – 19 -2020

This week I learned the importance of sleep. So, my boyfriend has to switch to an overnight schedule for the next three weeks, which means sleeping during the day and going into work from 10 pm – 6 am. It is what it is so there’s really no complaining, but one has to recognize the difficulty that comes with reversing your sleep schedule.

The night before his first overnight shift we both stayed up all night, like 24 hours no sleep. It reminded me of a time back during middle school and high school when my friends and I would stay up all not just because we were kids with energy. I’ve always been an early bird even in my adolescence, I am the first one to fall asleep at the sleepover and definitely the first one up the next day. Plus, I am such a creature of habit that when my regular schedule is disrupted but that doesn’t mean my biological sleep clock changes. Is anyone else a crazy early bird like me?

I don’t know what it is but when the sun is up, I am just up with it. This usually helps me; I get things done in the morning and I have never been the person to sleep in until the afternoon (unless I am sick or sleep-deprived). When the sun sets though, it is a totally different thing. It’s almost as if the setting sun activates the hormones inside me that cause me to get lazy and pass out the second, I lay my head down. So even if I am in a room full of people having fun, when I am sleepy, I am going to sleep or at least lay there with my eyes closed because I have no more energy. Some of that may have to do with me being an introvert so social interaction becomes exhausting.

But today I want to talk about sleep and sleep deprivation because in staying up 24 hours then napping for 3 hours before continuing my day as normal definitely affected my abilities. I’ve noticed that if I can get myself to stay up past about 11 or 12, staying up past that is pretty easy and even fun if you make it so.

No Sleep = No Logic

After being up about 20ish hours I started to really notice how easily the lack of sleep can affect simple mental processing. I began to get frustrated and confused at basically why I was even up but it’s not like I was tired or wanted to go to sleep. My brain was awake and thinking, just not thinking very fast, so I lashed out at my boyfriend in a stupid fit over something I can’t even remember. We quickly apologized and made up, but it truly showed me one element of what sleep deprivation can do to my mood or emotions as well as my thought process.

Neglecting Responsibilities

Another side effect of going without sleep for what felt like an extremely long time is you don’t really have the energy to do normal daily stuff like chores or even eating some real food. When sleep deprivation hits the idea of cooking something to sustain at least one need of your body’s needs seems impossible. It’s a good thing we have fast-food and delivery am I right? Not only that though, with all your energy exhausted daily tasks go unkept, and for little cleaning chores this doesn’t matter more than sleep, but I have a garden now and I almost let them dehydrate and die. I saw the whole day that my plants needed watering, but it wasn’t until late in the evening after I had hibernated on the couch for the entire afternoon that I felt I could actually exert the effort necessary to care for my plants. They looked rough and thirsty by then but the morning after I think they will survive the trauma of my neglect.

Passion Overrides Sleep

Even though I knew full well that I was sleep-deprived and should probably just lay down with my boyfriend and sleep soundly, I couldn’t help but think about this. I couldn’t stop myself from turning on my computer and getting totally immersed in website design and features. As my boyfriend slept preparing for a long shift that night, I worked on my own thing so that when I was alone in the house I could actually sleep. I think most people would have fallen face-first into their pillow without a second thought, hell I would have before I started trying to make something of myself online, but yesterday it wasn’t like that.

The passion burning inside me fueled my body alongside those three hours of sleep I got, to continue doing what I love: learning. Learning about how to make myself better, my platform better, my content better. Even sleep-deprived and possibly delirious I was sitting on my couch enthralled in my work, that has to mean something right? Even at 11 pm long after my boyfriend has left to work and without sleep since 9 am, I was thinking about what I would do today. I was thinking about how I am going to edit my video or those pictures I took. At this point, I don’t know if I am passionate or obsessed but I couldn’t care less because I finally care about something I am doing.

So as much as this experience of sleep deprivation has taught me about why I like sleeping early and having a consistent sleep schedule, it has taught me more about work than anything. I have shown to myself how much I care about this idea I have, and that makes me even more excited to share it with everyone else. I feel so powerful and resilient knowing that I disrupted my schedule but rode the wave instead of fighting it and I got good results. If you look at my website it is updated (again) and I’m happier with it now than ever before. Things are slowly coming together and even if I don’t get the amount of sleep, I wish for I know I am capable of withstanding that struggle.

Copyright © 2020 Serra Isabella. All rights reserved.

Learning to Rest

05 – 12 – 2020

This past week has taught me a lot through finishing my spring semester of college to unmet goals to tragic losses. In the previous weeks I have been plowing full steam ahead towards my goals but last week my body was just telling me to slow down. I thought in the two-week break from the spring to the summer semester I was going to get so much work on here done, working none stop. I still will get a lot done but I also allowed myself space to not worry when I wasn’t able to do everything that I planned done earlier than now.

When your friends and family need you, it is especially important to take time for yourself and the ones you love. I could not have been supportive to my friend or the one love if I was also fixated on completing work anytime, I had the chance alone. I would be exhausted. When I am exhausted, whether it be from physical, social or mental work, I get cranky and sometimes mean. I don’t like being mean and cranky, so I have to be careful of how I spend my energy and learn to pivot my energy to the most important task in the moment.

I didn’t fixate on all the work I was mossing out on or the time I was divvying out in support and I’m still exhausted. My significant other took off work and the both of us didn’t spend much time at home while we cared for loved ones and celebrated Mother’s Day. I like to categorize myself as an introvert so just being around people as much as I have been the last week was hard for me. This week tested me to go with the flow of the universe especially when the unexpected happens. To rest when it is necessary and to work your ass off in the times that passion fills the air inexplicably.

I used to get upset at myself or others when change would happen, or when what I had hoped would be the plan for the day doesn’t pan out. I guess I just didn’t know as a kid that change is inevitable so whenever change did occur, I did everything in my power to stop it. I have always been somewhat of a planner too, so when I expected my day to go a certain way but then circumstances made my previous plans impossible, I would panic because I didn’t know how to cope. I still panic if things don’t go along with my expectations so I can tell you it is all a learning process.

Maybe it’s that I’m in college or maybe it’s that I’m growing into adult hood far from the protection of my mother, but it is like my eyes are finally open enough to see a bigger picture. Change is constant and sad and beautiful and sometimes happy, but it is the only thing you know for sure will happen. Nothing stays the same. So instead of asking myself why is this happening? I am trying to change my perspective to one of understanding that the unexpected must and will happen no matter how much we may fight it.

I tell myself of course this happened because for some god-awful reason this is what changes us into who we will become. In order to continue surviving the winds of change I must believe that whatever is happening will make me a better version of myself in the future. I may preach what I want but I still wonder sometimes what the point of losing my thirty-nine-year-old dad at the age of sixteen was. I am not perfect; I struggle everyday with the loss of my dad and I overthink every situation to oblivion, but I do know that everything I am going through is what will eventually make me the wonderful woman I aspire to be.

So, when the universe throws me a curve ball and I have to switch up my plans (which I hate to do) I will learn to adapt. Change plans and don’t feel bad about it, forget about responsibilities to save your mental health, and stop pondering what if’s. This is where we’re at, the card we’ve been dealt, and the only way to make it better is to use what the universe has given you. Stop trying to fight to natural pattern of life and instead trust in it because I truly believe the universe gives you exactly what you need when you need it.

By Serra Isabella

Copyright © 2020 Serra Isabella. All rights reserved.

Writing is Hard

04 – 28 – 2020

Writing is hard. It’s hard to think of something worth writing, especially when you feel like you don’t have much to say. Writing is scary because it reveals woes and worries, I hadn’t previously seen. Although I am scared and of writing, I love when a sentence flows with ease, so the idea just rolls off the tongue. I love that moment when a phrase speaks to you so much you have to stop and ponder the idea into existence.

I have taken two English classes this school year and I have to say I love my English classes for the simple fact that almost every teacher I have has shown me a deeper meaning to the words we read and write. Words don’t come easy though, hesitation consumes me anytime I try to even start writing. I think I put too much emphasis on writing something that means something, I want every line I write to be the jaw dropping idea that changes their life. Though that simply isn’t realistic. Maybe the less meaningful sentences all together add to the magnificence of my true meaning.

Before I can even concern myself with writing profound statements I have to learn to just write. To write clearly, without wandering from point to point until I find my point. Another thing I’ve learned in my English classes this year is the importance of editing. The whole process of writing is just that, a process. It is necessary to write meaningless withering words, because that’s how I work through my thoughts. When I see the words in front of my eyes, I can finally see what I need to say and what I need to change.

I have realized change has become something I loathe, alas it is the only thing certain in my life. Change comes with every aspect of life, love, home, family, age, health, wealth, and even writing. That scares the crap out of me and sometimes it seems to paralyze me. When I stop paying attention to the written words and instead become consumed by my fear, shame, embarrassment, and anxiety nothing can get me to leave the couch or the bed (whichever is comfiest in the moment).

Serra Isabella

This past weekend after missing some to dos with my blog, and only getting some of my schoolwork done I felt defeated. My planner was left with a lot of tasks not marked off, and I felt like I had failed at my dream of becoming a writer. I was exhausted and overwhelmed first by all the things on my to do list and second by my ever-increasing want to achieve the goals I set.

But even though I felt my overwhelming emotions begin to wash over all the hard work I have accomplished I decided to just relax. To distract myself I dyed my hair purple and gave myself a much-needed haircut, I was trying to go for burgundy and a slight trim, but you know when you start it’s hard to stop. It doesn’t matter though because I feel better, I bought makeup and did mine for the first time in I don’t know how long. I decided it was okay that I hadn’t gotten everything done, it was okay that I haven’t written my book yet, and It’s okay to rest before finishing my to do list.

Serra Isabella

From this weekend I found out that it’s okay to relax and be lazy sometimes, frankly it’s even necessary in order to prevent burnout. If I had pushed myself over the weekend instead of resting I don’t think I would have had the willpower to keep trying today. So yes, writing is hard, and sometimes getting out of bed is hard, so on those days I decide to take the hint from my body and rest. I compliment myself on my achievements and prepare for the future by caring for myself in the moment, however that looks. Most importantly I cannot continue to look down on myself when things get difficult, life is hard and I don’t want to just complain about that anymore. I want to take life’s challenges and make the best of it, and truthfully I am not going to let that excuse rule my life.

Copyright © 2020 Serra Isabella. All rights reserved.

4 – 21 – 2020

Why hello, it’s been a while since I’ve written but I recently discovered something really important that I feel I just have to share: passion, motivation, and drive. I feel like I have to take you back a couple years to really explain what I mean though.
When I was a teenager, I told myself I am never going to work at a 9 – 5 type of job, I didn’t want to become a slave, so to speak, to a company. I think I was about 14 when I started my first YouTube channel, SillySerra, and yes it is very cringy but after I abandoned it for years my sisters told me they looked it up and one of my videos had almost 600 views (when I left it I don’t remember having even 100). When I started high school, I thought I wanted to be an actor, move to New York and perform on Broadway. Hearing a couple people tell me “No” and dealing with a few scams along with the stress of high school and friendships or relationships broke my spirits.
After a few years, I realized I the last picture I had taken of myself was years outdated and I didn’t like to look at myself in the mirror anymore. What had happened in the last two years of high school? A lot happened, my best (and basically only) friend moved 45 – minutes away and when you can’t legally drive yet it seems like the end of the world. I was forcing myself into a relationship that wasn’t right for me while lying to myself about it. And probably the biggest trauma of them all was when my dad passed away halfway through Junior years, literally the week of finals and a couple weeks from Christmas. I decided to do homeschooling the rest of the year because my mom already homeschooled my siblings, but I didn’t really learn anything that spring. I hung out with girls who seemed to like me, and I could tolerate but really, I was just bitter about my friend who moved. Then right when summer hit, a week after our first anniversary my boyfriend broke up with me, and although I drug it out and made it harder than it needed to be it was the best decision for both of us.
Then I went wild, I had always been the goodie two shoes and would never expect myself to go to a high school party, but I did, and I hung out with people I could never imagine. After making my fair share of bad teenage mistakes I connected with someone I had kind of always known, he worked with me at a grocery store. The first night we hung out, I didn’t go home and that’s basically how the rest of the last three years has been. We were couch serving at my moms the next summer, something neither of us imagined, but it pushed us to get an apartment together. That was the first big adult decision we both made, we signed the lease the day after my eighteenth birthday.
Now I have everything in life I could ever need or want, but I got sucked into another soul-sucking job, the managers wanted me to train and be a leader (they got paid a lot more) and at first, it sounded great! That was also the same time I started college and stopped taking anxiety medication, meaning that all didn’t work out. I cried at 3 in the morning before having to go to work and almost quit but decided to just step down, I should have just quit. For the next six or so months I convinced myself that working five days a week for a little over 200 dollars a day and trying to get school done as well was enough for me. 2020 rolls around and we all know how 2020 has been treating everybody, I started full time at college and was only doing 5am shifts and I guess life just started getting to me. I abandoned my job (again), and I allowed my anxiety to completely change my life (again). Some would say I had an emotional breakdown, I say my body took over for what my mind didn’t feel strong enough to do.
I asked myself, is this what the rest of my life is going to be? Working for minimum wage, devoting hours and hours of my life to someone else’s business. You have to understand I probably get this from my dad, he always said he wanted to be his own boss and eventually he did become his own boss of a carpet cleaning company (Absolute Best Cleaners), he even had employees. I can’t imagine trying to own a business while providing for five children and a spouse, and all of a sudden, a lot more of my childhood made sense. I don’t know what happened this year, but things have just started to click, I am finally starting to understand myself and what I want. The whole theory behind me wanting to become an actress when I was in high school was that I like to tell stories, I like understanding who the people are in stories and my imagination is so strong I make up stories in my head all the time (not always good ones, maybe crazy ones, but hey girls got imagination).
I decided this is my life and I don’t have to work till I hate my life, granted I had just gotten my taxes and financial aid money for school, so I was feeling pretty invincible with more money in my account than ever. I decided school is more important than some crappy job and worst case I can go get a different crappy job, then an international pandemic occurred, and I was forced to sit in my house and reflect on basically my entire life. How could I literally have quit my grocery store job right before I could have gotten a $2 raise and so much overtime!
I had to stop myself, isn’t that the problem? I didn’t want to just work mindlessly for a raise, I wanted purpose. In my English class this semester I had to do a big research paper and I decided to question does suffering make us strong? And Boy did I get the answer of a lifetime, in trying to answer that hard question I read, listened to, and watched so much content on everything from growth mindset to intrinsic and extrinsic benefits and even how these theories apply to business. I delved into the psychology of why I always run away from things and do what I feel is bad choices, and through all of this, I discovered my passion, motivation, and drive.
For the first time in a long time, I feel a fire burning inside my soul and it feels like it has caught a gust of wind and doubled in size. Within the last month or so I have learned to let go at least a little bit to let the fire burn bright enough to light my way. In the past, when I have tried to put out this fire incessantly with fear it did nothing but stifle my creativity, my voice, and my confidence. I reconnected with my best friend and felt the love we have for each other and I have sparked my childhood interests like entrepreneurship and even YouTube funny enough. But most importantly I am learning to let go of the fear that held me in place for so long.
I am not going to enter my second decade of life too scared to do all the things I dream of, because the simple fact is if I can’t even believe in myself no one will. I want to own my own business, make my own money and not just make money for someone else’s company, and I want to be passionate about what I do. So, I am trying, I am believing that the universe will give me exactly what I need and when I need it, and I am finally doing what I truly love: creating.

Copyright © 2020 Serra Isabella. All rights reserved.

5 – 16 – 2019

There comes a time in everyone’s life where you realize you aren’t invincible, that eventually we are all going to physically decline and eventually die. Everyone’s journey is different so everyone has this realization at different points in their life. A ten year old cancer patient will probably realize long before an athletic cheerleader, think even when that ten year olds younger sibling will have the same realization. We all understand this and yet most do not consider their health a priority, even with recent medical breakthroughs and technology humans still make poor health decisions.

I am not saying this from a pedestal because I am one of those idiots not taking their health seriously. I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes when I was 4 years old, just young enough for me not to see how sick I got. According to my parents I stayed on the couch for a week before they rushed me to the hospital. Being four I only remember the doctor having to shove a huge needle into my arm so I hid my face with my mom’s affection. So you would think since I had to become accustomed to needles going into my skin everyday so young I would be really good at taking care of my health, wrong.

My health has been a growing source of anxiety since I was a child when I would have agonizing doctors appointments that did nothing but scare me and make me more anxious. As I grew up with this disease I never took it seriously, I forget to check my blood sugar and to give myself the medicine I need to stay alive. I was never put into a proper routine of taking care of my diabetes, and now as an adult living on my own I think my health has just continued to decline. Now that it has become my responsibility to make doctor appointments I have found myself overwhelmed by the sheer mass of my health problems.

Not to mention just my diabetes but also my diet is not the best, I could swear most of the food I eat on a daily basis is cereal and chips and strawberries, with the occasional meal my boyfriend and I will cook up. As I read more and more stories about how what we eat seriously influences our whole bodies health my anxiety only increases. This new wave of gut health on social media has me wondering if I need to be investing in organic food or eating salads. I am a petite woman so maybe I need to eat more protein and protein shakes, there is so much information I’m not sure what to eat so I go with easiest option, something I don’t have to cook.

My fitness level embarrasses me, I can occasionally do a yoga routine or go on a hike once in a blue moon but I do not have consistent exercise on a daily basis. Some days my boyfriend and I are so motivated and we want to go to the gym but then our pesky video games get in the way. Not to say work and family and fun don’t keep us busy but there have been many days I chose to stay at home and play sims rather than take care of myself. There’s a man who lives in my apartment complex that jogs five laps around the park across the street every morning and every night, if he can struggle through that every day I can take a walk once in a while.

Now as important as physical health is, it isn’t worth trying unless I’m taking care of my mind. My mental health is inherently hurting the rest of my body, when I feel like the world is ending and I can’t get out of bed working out and having a well rounded diet is not at the top of my priority list. So as much as I can tell myself to be healthy by working out and eating lots of fruits and veggies, I have to remind myself that my brain is one of the most important organs to take care of. The body and mind are so intertwined into each other’s well being it’s impossible for one to be healthy while the other is unhealthy, something western culture has forgotten.

I think the biggest struggle for me and my health isn’t doing all the workouts and eating all the right foods or even being a “perfect” diabetic, it’s getting help especially from the professionals. I have a long standing problem with anxiety before doctor’s, dentist, and therapy appointments. Partly because I’m embarrassed that I’m not taking care of myself but also because I have really hard time facing my health concerns and struggles, I often just ignore them until things explode then I patch myself up and carry on until I explode again. That has to stop though, I deserve to be the healthiest version of myself. I deserve to have a healthy future with babies and adventure, and I don’t want to be held back by my health.

Copyright © 2020 Serra Isabella. All rights reserved.