A little disclaimer: this one is for the girls. Unless you want to hear about the women’s struggle of having to meet up with mother nature once a month stop reading here and go check out my less urm intimate writing, or go look at my pretty paintings… Anyway, you have been warned, now to the good stuff.

Alright, did I scare away the “dudes” now? Good, because this is going to be a pretty disjointed blog post so sorry in advance! I don’t know why but when I am more scatterbrained and frantic, I like to write these short and quick paragraphs but other times I can make a paragraph last like three whole pages. Anyway, if you’re interested in how I plan to channel my hormone-filled existence towards peace and tranquility keep on reading.
There are some things I just really dislike about being a woman such as: not wanting to wear shorts in 90-degree weather because I don’t like the way men stare, the expectations that we have to take care of all aspects of “the home”, and probably my biggest rival, periods.

Today I want to focus on the last one, periods. Periods suck. Irregular periods suck even more. I never know when the demons from hell are going to ruin my week with a bloody trail of pain and mood swings. I think my period ended two weeks ago and now mother nature decided to just show up UNANNOUNCED. So rude.

I feel bad for my period tracking app because she has no clue what to expect from my indecisive vagina and I’m just sitting here like: I don’t know either.
Am I the only one? Does anyone else experience completely confusing periods?
I do feel lucky in the fact that I only really cramp or feel pain on the first days of my period or when I am PMSing. Which reminds me I think the PMS might almost be worse, that’s when I feel most of the pain.

And don’t get me started on my mood swings before and during a period. I should know by now that when I start crying out of nowhere over tiny minuscule issues that it is that time of the month, but I usually just call myself a crazy girl so that’s fun…

No, I’m over this, I am so over hating everything about myself just because once or twice a month my hormones get hit upside the head and I can’t tell if I’m mad or sad or ecstatic. Why should I allow this surge of insane hormones to make me question every decision I make or have made in the past or even the mistakes I could make in the future. I don’t want to subject myself to the inconsistent and rampant emotions of mother nature anymore.

Okay I get it I’m starting to sound too poetic, it’s just a period, get over it right? Wrong. It’s not just a period, it is my organ tearing itself apart and spewing the contents out of me. It is painful. It is exhausting. Why don’t people see and understand that?

At this point I think I am just rambling; I am not sure what to say other than I feel confused.
I hate having a period, and most women I’ve talked to agree, but the irony is we all need and want our period to come because the other option is having a real-life baby. Coincidently the only time we aren’t held down by period pain and inconsolable crying we have a little tiny human being growing inside of us so that’s great (don’t get me wrong I cannot wait till the day I get to be a mother but I can’t lie that sounds rigged).

So, I guess I will make peace with the reoccurring pain driven emotion because it is not as bad as it used to be. They used to make the women climb a mountain to be away from the village during their period because it was considered dirty. Can you imagine having to climb a mountain every month as your stomach is cramping like a knife is digging inside your intestines? I bet the only good part of that whole endeavor was getting a break from the overwhelming misogamy.

So, I am supposed to be happy because I have access to period products now and eventually it will stop sometime in our fifties but then supposedly, we’ll lose our sex drive!? I just don’t understand, is this some sick joke? Either way, I don’t like it, but it does make me think of how strong women are. Once a month we deal with pain (sometimes excruciating pain) and during the constant pain, we have to tend to blood ever leaking down our thighs. On top of completely unreasonable and inconsistent emotions, periods suck but I guess that is part of mother nature.

There are beautiful rainbows but only after a thunderstorm that destroys trees with a single lightning strike, and a caterpillar becomes a butterfly only after turning to sludge inside its cocoon. I guess that is a bit of a ying and yang theory, where there must be some bad inside the good and some good inside the bad to keep everything at balance.

Well if you made it to here thank you for reading this scattered and unorganized blog post. This week I think I just need to get some crazy thoughts off my chest, but I hope you enjoyed it anyway. I want to apologize for being an absentee blogger for the whole beginning of this month. I am doing a little rebranding and have some really exciting things to come but until then you can buy these images at my Redbubble shop below and don’t forget to follow my other socials!

I am a Perfectionist

Do you know what it feels like to constantly beat yourself down for not doing everything you do “perfectly”? I do. Every little action I take is followed by a barrage of insults to myself because that corner of the painting looks bad or I missed one problem on my homework assignments. I wish I was capable of simply enjoying something I have made or even enjoying a moment with friends but even that is haunted by my perfectionism. Every word I speak echoes loudly in my ears afterwards as I run through every other possible way, I could have said it and every possible tone of voice I could have used and how that would change my current situation.

I am an overthinker too so I’m sure that is a big contributor to why so many options cycle through my brain but that doesn’t discount the insistent and pestering voices of my own criticism. I really do expect too much from myself. I want to be able to “perfectly” write, record, paint, speak, and even think perfectly but that is so silly. I’m not sure why I crave aesthetic perfection, maybe it has to do with my INFP personality type or because my whole childhood I lived in disorder and could only dream of having a “perfectly” organized and decorated homes that my friends lived in. I’m sure there is some sort of childhood trauma that causes a perfectionist need in me but that’s a topic for another day.

Anyway, at first, I thought being a perfectionist wasn’t even that bad because it showed how much effort I put in and how much I care about what I do and make. Now I don’t think it’s such a good thing, I think over the years I have beaten myself down so much by repeatedly telling myself that I am not perfect and therefore not worthy of anything I strive for yet. I think this idea of perfection has instilled false beliefs in myself that I don’t deserve anything I want or have worked towards until I am “perfect”. This just causes me to bottle up wants and desires to the point when I do splurge on myself and then I criticize myself for not waiting until I deserved it.

I don’t like the fact that I splurge on unnecessary things or sometimes spend too much or that I procrastinate and don’t finish projects I set out to, but I think it all stems from me not feeling worthy because I am not “perfect” yet. Woah. Ding, Ding, I just had a realization.

I need to find ways to reward myself for small wins so that I don’t feel guilty when I reward myself out of proportion, and to do that I need to throw perfect away. Seriously, I need to basically wipe that word from my vocabulary because at this point it is just setting me up for failure. Perfect sucks. Perfect makes me feel bad about myself. Perfect isn’t even real or possible.

Instead I should focus on the effort I put in, I did a whole research paper on growth mindset and that is one of the biggest key points. The people who value their effort over the results, tend to perform better anyway. I just need to start taking my own advice. Instead of striving for perfection, I am going to strive for balance, for peace, for completion, for fun. I want to have more fun.

I am so strung up and tightly wound, my boyfriend and I have had multiple conversations about it. I always want to have fun or be spontaneous or adventurous but when the opportunity arises, I don’t feel like the scenario is “perfect” so I let that feeling override my desire to explore new experiences. I get scared when the scenario isn’t how I imagined or isn’t planned out perfectly how I would like and when my focus is on the imperfection, I have no chance at enjoying the moment.

I also need to let go of my expectations of a perfect scenario or even any expectations of a new scenario. If I have never experienced these new things that I want to experience why do I believe myself when I expect them to be a certain way. And then I get upset that I was wrong, and things are different?!

Ugh. I exhaust myself; I can’t imagine the people around me. As much as I notice and dislike my own behavior, I bet these perfectionist tendencies affect the people around me even more. It’s awful and it makes me hate myself even more because I know I am the one in control most often, but the problem is I don’t feel in control.

I only feel a loss of control though because I expect to know how everything will pan out, but that is just setting myself up for failure from the start. Yeah maybe I don’t know how to act in social situations so I come across as awkward or rude or maybe I have made more mistakes than I can count but how else do I expect to learn. I am not even 20 years old yet and I have placed this huge pressure on myself to know how to spend money exactly right or to know how to interact as an adult around other people, or how to do fantastically perfect art, or how to write an entire novel, or how to start an online business.

I don’t know, and that’s part of the process, frankly it’s part of the fun. As rationally as I can tell myself “you don’t have to be perfect” or “it’s progress not perfection”, my emotions still end up ruling my life and that only leads to doubt in myself and comparison to what I believe to be perfection. So yes, I am literally throwing away perfection. I don’t need it because it has done nothing but bring me despair and unnecessary guilt. Even that will be a process, I again can’t expect myself to be perfect and abolish the idea of perfection from my mind overnight but when I do notice my inner voice shaming myself for not reaching perfection yet, I am going to calmly tell it to leave me the hell alone.

If you liked any of the images from this blog post, you can buy them at my Redbubble shop! Just click the button below or click the link below the pictures above. Thank you for reading today and don’t forget to like and comment below, and if you want to see more of my content make sure to follow my blog and then click the links to my other socials! I wish you the best of luck on your own journey and hope you all feel some love!

Copyright © 2020 Serra Isabella. All rights reserved.

Black is Beautiful

It has been a while since I last posted but it just hasn’t felt right to post anything I originally planned for this month because the world has been torn to shreds by global and national disasters. Now United States citizens are protesting in every state and I can’t bring myself to think of anything other than the current state of our planet. All of a sudden, my college experience doesn’t matter, my silly moon paintings don’t matter. What matters is this movement against corruption, I am not going to sit by and ignore what is happening right now around the nation.

I feel I must preface this with the simple fact that I am a white female and therefor anything I have to say in support of the Black Lives Matter movement is not a representation of the movement itself. I am beyond privileged to be in the position I am where I do not have to second guess whether I should call the cops because I fear for my life. I have no earthly idea what it is like and I will never know, but I do know that our justice system is not just, and I know that change needs to happen.

With that said, this has been one of the most eventful, disastrous, and chaotic years of my life. In January we thought WW III was upon us, then Australia was up in flames and kangaroos were burning. Kobe Bryant passed away in February and Hong Kong has been continuing protests from the end of 2019. Then a viral virus completely surprised the world and sent everyone into quarantine and just as restrictions were beginning to be lifted in the United States a man named George Floyd was murdered by police.

Protests are spreading across the country and as I write this all 5o U.S. states are having peaceful protests. Alongside those protests are some looting and rioting, by opportunists taking advantage of the chaos created in a protest. Buildings are being set on fire, innocent people are being sprayed with tear gas and shot with rubber bullets. The things I have witnessed in the last week are things straight out of a war.

While the world feels at war, I have been hesitant to say anything at all because I in no way want to take away from the Black Lives Movement and I most certainly don’t want to be insensitive. I know I don’t have all the facts, so I don’t ever want to spread misinformation and I honestly don’t think my voice matters much here, this is a time for black people to speak their mind and I want to give that space. As hesitant as I am I also cannot stay silent at a time when the world is being transformed, things won’t ever be the same (or at least they shouldn’t be).

I am witnessing history in the making, the events happening in 2020 will go down in history books and that in and of itself is something to be in awe of. Not only has this year hit everyone with unexpected challenges but now injustice is being broadcast across the country and people are sick of watching it. The corruption has bled through the front lines and now the citizens can see it and they are not standing for it.

I cannot speak for the Black Lives Matter movement, but I can speak in support of it. If I had to watch a recording of someone who resembles my dad get murdered by police officers more than once a year I would be rioting too. The government is in for a long-overdue reassessment, it may start with finding true equality for black lives, but it will not stop there. The number of unconstitutional acts that are being carried out by government officials is sickening and appalling. It isn’t just that laws are being broken though, it is that people are unquestionably angry about it now.

Maybe it has to do with the fact that most people have been stuck inside their homes for two months so their stir crazy, or maybe two months to themselves has given some people the ability to notice what is happening right under their noses. Either way, you can feel the tension in the air, you can see the tension on social media where everything is either fake “normal posting” or protest footage from across the country.

There is an acronym that has been passing around inside the black lives matter movement that is supposed to stand for “All Cops Are Bastards” or ACAB. This really resonated with me but only when it was explained to me. You see maybe not all cops are racist or murderers but all cops work for a broken justice system, all cops uphold a corrupt government law. There is a prime example of this during the protests when cops are spraying peaceful protestors with tear gas. Tear gas which in the 1925 Geneva Protocol, was designated as a chemical warfare agent and was banned shortly after World War I. That is an outrage that our government is using chemical warfare against the citizens of the United States of America. Are you kidding me?

Amidst all this pre-revolutionary speech I can’t help but think about childhood, when adults gave us books like Harry Potter, The Hunger Games, Divergent, and Ender’s Game to read. Since childhood, we have been watching our favorite characters be forced to sacrifice everything they have for the greater good of defeating corruption. We watched Katniss’s little sister Primrose die on the lines of the battle with President Snow, and we were there with Harry Potter as he sent himself into death knowing he may never see his friends again.
Now we are adults coming into a broken system and the biggest lessons we learned growing up were to never stand down to corruption. Since we were children we’ve been preparing for this moment, we watched over and over again corruption fall at the hands of unity and that’s exactly what we’re doing now.

Every Race is working together, every religion is joining forces, the Christians are praying for the witches and the Amish are protesting alongside the movement. Gangs are protesting together and even some police officers are walking with protestors. This is everyone against the government, everyone is angry about the injustice in our country. I don’t want to say it is not about race because this government is based on systemic racism against people of color, but I believe this is even bigger than that. The president is trying to revoke lgbtq+ rights, our government is threatening martial law on the citizens of the united states for exercising their right to protest. This is about the United States citizens versus the corrupt government.
Either way, injustice is happening, especially against black people and that must stop. There is a clear difference in how black Americans are treated and how white Americans are treated and that must stop. Black lives matter and black lives are beautiful, I will repeat these saying until justice is found and our broken system is fixed because black is beautiful.

There is so much more to be said on this topic and there is so much more that will come from these protests. How do you feel about the current state of the United States? What injustices have you personally seen? I want to hear your thoughts, so please comment below!

Copyright © 2020 Serra Isabella. All rights reserved.