Writing is Hard

04 – 28 – 2020

Writing is hard. It’s hard to think of something worth writing, especially when you feel like you don’t have much to say. Writing is scary because it reveals woes and worries, I hadn’t previously seen. Although I am scared and of writing, I love when a sentence flows with ease, so the idea just rolls off the tongue. I love that moment when a phrase speaks to you so much you have to stop and ponder the idea into existence.

I have taken two English classes this school year and I have to say I love my English classes for the simple fact that almost every teacher I have has shown me a deeper meaning to the words we read and write. Words don’t come easy though, hesitation consumes me anytime I try to even start writing. I think I put too much emphasis on writing something that means something, I want every line I write to be the jaw dropping idea that changes their life. Though that simply isn’t realistic. Maybe the less meaningful sentences all together add to the magnificence of my true meaning.

Before I can even concern myself with writing profound statements I have to learn to just write. To write clearly, without wandering from point to point until I find my point. Another thing I’ve learned in my English classes this year is the importance of editing. The whole process of writing is just that, a process. It is necessary to write meaningless withering words, because that’s how I work through my thoughts. When I see the words in front of my eyes, I can finally see what I need to say and what I need to change.

I have realized change has become something I loathe, alas it is the only thing certain in my life. Change comes with every aspect of life, love, home, family, age, health, wealth, and even writing. That scares the crap out of me and sometimes it seems to paralyze me. When I stop paying attention to the written words and instead become consumed by my fear, shame, embarrassment, and anxiety nothing can get me to leave the couch or the bed (whichever is comfiest in the moment).

Serra Isabella

This past weekend after missing some to dos with my blog, and only getting some of my schoolwork done I felt defeated. My planner was left with a lot of tasks not marked off, and I felt like I had failed at my dream of becoming a writer. I was exhausted and overwhelmed first by all the things on my to do list and second by my ever-increasing want to achieve the goals I set.

But even though I felt my overwhelming emotions begin to wash over all the hard work I have accomplished I decided to just relax. To distract myself I dyed my hair purple and gave myself a much-needed haircut, I was trying to go for burgundy and a slight trim, but you know when you start it’s hard to stop. It doesn’t matter though because I feel better, I bought makeup and did mine for the first time in I don’t know how long. I decided it was okay that I hadn’t gotten everything done, it was okay that I haven’t written my book yet, and It’s okay to rest before finishing my to do list.

Serra Isabella

From this weekend I found out that it’s okay to relax and be lazy sometimes, frankly it’s even necessary in order to prevent burnout. If I had pushed myself over the weekend instead of resting I don’t think I would have had the willpower to keep trying today. So yes, writing is hard, and sometimes getting out of bed is hard, so on those days I decide to take the hint from my body and rest. I compliment myself on my achievements and prepare for the future by caring for myself in the moment, however that looks. Most importantly I cannot continue to look down on myself when things get difficult, life is hard and I don’t want to just complain about that anymore. I want to take life’s challenges and make the best of it, and truthfully I am not going to let that excuse rule my life.

Copyright © 2020 Serra Isabella. All rights reserved.

My Reaction to You Are A Bada** by Jen Sincero

Truth be told it took me a really long time to read this book, over a year, that’s a long time. Not because I wasn’t interested, or it wasn’t good but because I fell into exactly what Sincero describes as the “void”. Work, school, relationships, and life just piled too high for me that I completely forgot about the book with only about five chapters left in it.

I quit my job a month ago, and so to speak began pulling myself out of the void and then I remembered I still hadn’t finished this book, I had even forgot where I put it. I found it right on top of my shelf in my living room and started soaking up the last few words of Jen Sincero, and boy am I glad I did. Her whole book is aimed at getting her audience to abandon their fears doubts and worries and full heartedly follow their “Source-energy”.

My ultimate favorite part of Sincero’s whole novel is that starting in part two at the end of every chapter, after she has listed out all her instructions for the topic, she instructs her audience to “Love Yourself” (62). She has a different reasoning for every time she states it but that is how she ends the chapters for the rest of her novel.

She separated her book into five sections: how you got this way, how to embrace your inner badass, how to tap into the mother lode, how to get over your BS already, and finally how to kick some ass. This specific order takes your through the process of becoming the best version of yourself in chronological order. When I first began reading this over a year ago I just about finished the fourth section of getting over your bullshit. Which maybe explains why it took me so long to continue reading because I have some bullshit to work through.

Up until part five Jen Sincero seems to be building your confidence up and trying to break you out of your own head, or as she would say “wake up from the Big Snooze” (43). Throughout her book she has chapters talking about finances, self-love, religion, meditation, controlling your brain, gratitude, forgiveness, fear, the universe, and more. Quite frankly it that takes a lot of work to help people change themselves, you have to give them some sort of spiritual break through or an epiphany which Sincero defined as: “a visceral understanding of something you already know” (231).

This quote stood out to me because I too have had an epiphany that completely changed the way I perceived the world, but I also had to look up what visceral means. Apparently, it means relating to deep meaningful feelings rather than intellect, and boom here is my epiphany. I have read self-help books and I scroll through Pinterest daily for self-help advice, but it wasn’t until I looked up the word “visceral” that I realized something. Just knowing what to do isn’t enough, you have to have an emotional reaction in order for it to mean something to you and therefor do something about it.

After she breaks her readers out of their normal daily cycles of unhealthy habits she devotes the last section to helping the audience decide on their goals, providing advice on becoming fruitful, reminding her audience to surrender, checking unrealistic expectations and finally motivating the audience to take the advice she has given an pursue their dreams. I think the reason it took me so long to finish reading this book is because I just wasn’t ready to surrender my control to the universe, my faith, or her advice and attack my dreams but as I write this now, I am taking Sincero’s advice. I don’t have to fear not creating something unique enough or new enough, I just have to do what I love and love what I do. I do believe I can have all that I want, and I know I will get it someday, I am so grateful for what I already have, and I am filled with the giddy excitement for my future.

Part of this newfound passion and drive of mine is due to Jen Sincero’s book, she provides truthful advice that isn’t covered in a haze of perfectionism and she lets you know when you could be doing better. Her delivery is personable, witty and understanding while giving you exactly what you need to read. I absolutely needed to hear everything she wrote, and honestly feel that everyone could take some advice from a wise author like Jen Sincero.

Copyright © 2020 Serra Isabella. All rights reserved.

4 – 21 – 2020

Why hello, it’s been a while since I’ve written but I recently discovered something really important that I feel I just have to share: passion, motivation, and drive. I feel like I have to take you back a couple years to really explain what I mean though.
When I was a teenager, I told myself I am never going to work at a 9 – 5 type of job, I didn’t want to become a slave, so to speak, to a company. I think I was about 14 when I started my first YouTube channel, SillySerra, and yes it is very cringy but after I abandoned it for years my sisters told me they looked it up and one of my videos had almost 600 views (when I left it I don’t remember having even 100). When I started high school, I thought I wanted to be an actor, move to New York and perform on Broadway. Hearing a couple people tell me “No” and dealing with a few scams along with the stress of high school and friendships or relationships broke my spirits.
After a few years, I realized I the last picture I had taken of myself was years outdated and I didn’t like to look at myself in the mirror anymore. What had happened in the last two years of high school? A lot happened, my best (and basically only) friend moved 45 – minutes away and when you can’t legally drive yet it seems like the end of the world. I was forcing myself into a relationship that wasn’t right for me while lying to myself about it. And probably the biggest trauma of them all was when my dad passed away halfway through Junior years, literally the week of finals and a couple weeks from Christmas. I decided to do homeschooling the rest of the year because my mom already homeschooled my siblings, but I didn’t really learn anything that spring. I hung out with girls who seemed to like me, and I could tolerate but really, I was just bitter about my friend who moved. Then right when summer hit, a week after our first anniversary my boyfriend broke up with me, and although I drug it out and made it harder than it needed to be it was the best decision for both of us.
Then I went wild, I had always been the goodie two shoes and would never expect myself to go to a high school party, but I did, and I hung out with people I could never imagine. After making my fair share of bad teenage mistakes I connected with someone I had kind of always known, he worked with me at a grocery store. The first night we hung out, I didn’t go home and that’s basically how the rest of the last three years has been. We were couch serving at my moms the next summer, something neither of us imagined, but it pushed us to get an apartment together. That was the first big adult decision we both made, we signed the lease the day after my eighteenth birthday.
Now I have everything in life I could ever need or want, but I got sucked into another soul-sucking job, the managers wanted me to train and be a leader (they got paid a lot more) and at first, it sounded great! That was also the same time I started college and stopped taking anxiety medication, meaning that all didn’t work out. I cried at 3 in the morning before having to go to work and almost quit but decided to just step down, I should have just quit. For the next six or so months I convinced myself that working five days a week for a little over 200 dollars a day and trying to get school done as well was enough for me. 2020 rolls around and we all know how 2020 has been treating everybody, I started full time at college and was only doing 5am shifts and I guess life just started getting to me. I abandoned my job (again), and I allowed my anxiety to completely change my life (again). Some would say I had an emotional breakdown, I say my body took over for what my mind didn’t feel strong enough to do.
I asked myself, is this what the rest of my life is going to be? Working for minimum wage, devoting hours and hours of my life to someone else’s business. You have to understand I probably get this from my dad, he always said he wanted to be his own boss and eventually he did become his own boss of a carpet cleaning company (Absolute Best Cleaners), he even had employees. I can’t imagine trying to own a business while providing for five children and a spouse, and all of a sudden, a lot more of my childhood made sense. I don’t know what happened this year, but things have just started to click, I am finally starting to understand myself and what I want. The whole theory behind me wanting to become an actress when I was in high school was that I like to tell stories, I like understanding who the people are in stories and my imagination is so strong I make up stories in my head all the time (not always good ones, maybe crazy ones, but hey girls got imagination).
I decided this is my life and I don’t have to work till I hate my life, granted I had just gotten my taxes and financial aid money for school, so I was feeling pretty invincible with more money in my account than ever. I decided school is more important than some crappy job and worst case I can go get a different crappy job, then an international pandemic occurred, and I was forced to sit in my house and reflect on basically my entire life. How could I literally have quit my grocery store job right before I could have gotten a $2 raise and so much overtime!
I had to stop myself, isn’t that the problem? I didn’t want to just work mindlessly for a raise, I wanted purpose. In my English class this semester I had to do a big research paper and I decided to question does suffering make us strong? And Boy did I get the answer of a lifetime, in trying to answer that hard question I read, listened to, and watched so much content on everything from growth mindset to intrinsic and extrinsic benefits and even how these theories apply to business. I delved into the psychology of why I always run away from things and do what I feel is bad choices, and through all of this, I discovered my passion, motivation, and drive.
For the first time in a long time, I feel a fire burning inside my soul and it feels like it has caught a gust of wind and doubled in size. Within the last month or so I have learned to let go at least a little bit to let the fire burn bright enough to light my way. In the past, when I have tried to put out this fire incessantly with fear it did nothing but stifle my creativity, my voice, and my confidence. I reconnected with my best friend and felt the love we have for each other and I have sparked my childhood interests like entrepreneurship and even YouTube funny enough. But most importantly I am learning to let go of the fear that held me in place for so long.
I am not going to enter my second decade of life too scared to do all the things I dream of, because the simple fact is if I can’t even believe in myself no one will. I want to own my own business, make my own money and not just make money for someone else’s company, and I want to be passionate about what I do. So, I am trying, I am believing that the universe will give me exactly what I need and when I need it, and I am finally doing what I truly love: creating.

Copyright © 2020 Serra Isabella. All rights reserved.